FWD: subaruvirus
by M. Hikaru
Summary: Subaru sits down and writes an email to his beloved fangirls...


Warnings: Justified OOCness, rant-fic: these opinions are mine and are NOT meant to offend, criticize, nor berate anyone else. This fic is meant to be humorous. 

And just so I don't get in trouble w/ ffn, this is a **FIC** --a parody, but a **FIC** nonetheless. (i.e. If you try and actually contact the emails, I will personally applaud you if they work!) 

Dedication: To my MD-seme, for her inspiration! ::chuuu:: 

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**Subj: FWD: subaruvirus.exe**

**Date**: XX/XX/1999 6:54:00 PM Tokyo Standard Time 

**From**: i_angst@angstfilledarmageddon.com 

**To**: Rabid_Fangirls_ML@yahoogroups.com 

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Dear FanReader, 

I have no doubt you know who I am. I'm more than thoroughly enlightened to know that you have every single little statistic about me, my family, my friends, and my love interest, filed away neatly in that little folder on your computer labled "Sumeragi Subaru", "Subaru-kun", or the (ever popular) "Subby". 

And frankly, I'm tired of it all. 

You see, being stalked twenty-four-seven isn't my idea of a good social life. And Seishirou-san is peeved. Believe me, you _don't_ want to see Seishirou-san peeved. 

Perhaps I should start from the beginning, dear reader. Then you might see things in my perspective after all. 

I don't need to summarize my life with you: I'll assume that you have all the snippits about Hokuto-chan's death, Seishirou-san's denial, and Kamui's angst. If you don't, however, there are hundreds of fanfics and websites out there that revolve around it. You'll probably find out more than you wanted to know. That irritates me, the way my sex life is so blatantly twisted around without even a small acknowledgement towards me. And the "Subaru-is-drunk" fics are worse. Hmph, contrary to popular belief, I can actually hold my liquor. Kamui on the other hand... 

Ah, but I'm getting off topic. I suppose my infamous "stardom" started of my appearance in Tokyo Babylon. What was Mokona Apapa thinking? That series tramatized me for life. I'll never touch another hat/cap again! And then there was Tokyo Babylon 1999. And X. Damn X. 

Now may I just portray to you the mayhem of getting trapped in the nightmarish world known as X/1999? First of all, there are the other characters. There's the ever-protective Kamui. He treats me wonderfully, and I treasure his friendship, however... can you say angst? 

Yes, reader, I know you're now shaking your head at me, muttering "Subaru's a hypocrite! Talk about the pot calling the kettle!". 

Well, tell me then, can YOU stand huge violet eyes quivering with emotional trama... makes me wonder if I was ever that bad-- eh? What was that? 

Seishirou-san just confirmed that I was exactly like that. 

Damn X. 

Well, then there's Fuuma, or 'Kamui'. Identity crisis, freak, broom-head. He stabbed out my eye, which hurt like hell, and ontop of that, I couldn't even conviently faint. I had to first utter cryptic words of false comfort to Kamui before I was blissfully doped up to the gills in surgery. 

Oh yes, reader, jump to main-character-Fuuma's defense: "He was confused!", "He was sadistic!", "He was insane!", "Poor Fuuma!". 

But I'm not that mad at Fuuma-san. He made me a lot more cooler. What really gets to me is that his excuse was that it "was my wish". I know he's supposed to be omnipotent 'Kamui' and everything, but he should know the difference between wish and _musing!_ It was just a morbid thought one day that went along the lines of "hmm... I wonder how it'd feel like if I was missing an eye like Seishirou-san..." 

Plus, he poked out the wrong eye. 

I wanted it to be eye opposite of Seishirou-san's, so that when we were standing face to face, I would be a mirror image of him. Which, in my opinion, makes a rather dazzling, wicked scene. Me and Seishirou-san, staring each other down under the sakura tree. Great fic material, isn't it? 

Wait a minute. Why am I _encouraging_ the fanfiction writers?! Arggh!! 

Now, you're probably frowning distastefully at this little rant/piece, muttering "damn, Subaru's OOC". Well, let me tell you that when you've been through as much shit as what CLAMP and fandom has thrown at me, you'll manage to pick up the sarcasm after a while. (I give Yuzuriha 3 years --tops!-- to turn into a foul-tempered crone) 

The other characters in X.. well, I don't care about them. They're... erm... irrelevent. Let's face the facts here reader: most of the fandom glorifies me, Seishirou-san, Kamui, and 'Kamui' (erg..). Kakyou has his little lot of fangirls because he looks like a female, but it's relatively small because he only appears in the later books, and he's paired off with Hokuto-chan, of all people. From what I've seen of the rabid population of Yaoi Fangirls out there, they just don't like het. Kusanagi's a freak --c'mon, a big buff man who talks to animals? Yuzuriha's JUST TOO CHEERFUL. Karen's a perceptive slut. Aoki's got this "family man" thing, but we know there's something going on with him and Karen, which then defeats his "family man" personality. Sorata's okay, but he's officially paired off with Arashi, and the same vice versa. Kanoe's a Ho. Satsuki's cool, but all those wires from Beast are poking into the wrong places. Yuuto is... well, the personality of Yuuto is still "under construction". And well, there's always Nataku. Innocent little Kazuki-san who looks neither gender, but, aww, where's the angst in that? 

But at least X gave me a good wardrobe. I hate to say it Hokuto-chan, but my trenchcoat looks better than those spandex tops you always made me wear. Besides, "it's only fashion if you look good in it", and I look good. 

Back on topic. The main reason I hate X (damn X) is, can be expressed in one word and one word alone: SLASH. 

Yes, let's just shove all the characters in a blender and see who gets stuck in who! 

Gah! It's worse than a Jerry Springer-Weiss Crossover!: 

"I'm sorry Seishirou-san! I was really sleeping around with Kamui since YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE INTERESTED!" 

"Well, Subaru-kun, I'm not mad at all. You see, I've already been cheating on you with 'Kamui' for quite some time." 

"You and Kamui?! I'm so disillusioned! Kamui, how could you?!" 

"It wasn't me, Subaru! I would never sleep with that bastard Sakurazukamori!" 

"No, not Kamui, 'Kamui' -- HEY! What are you implying, brat? I have a bigger fandom than you!" 

"You don't KNOW that, you PRICK!! Besides, I heard rumors that your 'tool' is small!" 

"Why you scrawny little--!!" 

"I happen to know for a fact that Seishirou's very well endowned." 

"Fuu...ma!" 

"No, no, no, how many times do I have to say it, I'm 'Kamui'!" 

"Fuu..ma!!" 

"Gah... Kamui-chan, you're not too bright, are you?" 

"FUU..MA!!!" 

"Will you STOP molesting him in public?!" 

"Aww, if you're going to be jealous, Subaru-kun, we can have some fun too!" 

"S-seishirou-san!!!" 

And so on, and so on, and so on... 

Do you UNDERSTAND the indignation of having your sex life twisted left and right without so much as a by-your-leave? And for the record, NO, I haven't slept with Kamui. ...I almost did, but that's beside the point! 

The thing is STOP STALKING ME! STOP WRITING ABOUT ME!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I just want a normal life after all the damn quirks the irony gods have thrown at me! 

But you WON'T stop, will you, even after I beg, and plead, and rant. Will nothing stop the steamroller of fandom?! I can't take it anymore! Destiny be damned! I'm going to do the only thing I can do to stop this!! Kamui, I'm sorry, but I can't let you save the world! 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BLOW IT UP!! MWAHAHAHAHAAA~!!! TAKE THAT YOU FANGIRLS!!!!! 

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Kamui: "Umm... why is Subaru cackling manically at the laptop?" 

Seishirou: "He's writing a letter." 

Kamui: "To...?" 

Seishirou: (appraising look at Kamui) "Hmph... like I'm going to tell you." 

Kamui: (twitch) "What was that, you PRICK?!" 

Seishirou: (smirk) "I never knew you were so sensitive, BRAT." 

Kamui: (glare) "Why you--!" 

[BOOM!] 

Kamui: (eyes wide) "W-what was that?" 

Seishirou: (sunglasses slide down the bridge of his nose) "I think Subaru-kun just blew up the laptop..." 

Kamui: W-why... is he staring at us like that...? 

Seishirou: I honestly have no clue... (steps forward) Subaru-kun, are you alright? 

Subaru: Seishirou-san... I'm getting rid of them... all of them... KILL THEM ALL....!! 

Kamui: Subaru?! 

Seishirou: Subaru-kun, just calm down... 

Subaru: No. (manical laugh) Bai bai my dear sweet stalkers!! (waves cheerfully at a hidden camera and starts chanting) 

[EXPLOSION] 

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In 5 seconds, this document will infect your computer, delete the lime/lemon sections of your favorite fics, distort all your pics into pornographic images of Beast, and change your screensaver to Kusanagi in drag strutting across the screen. 

Courtesy of Deranged-Subaru. 

Have a nice day. 

Now say a prayer and scroll! 

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1! 

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Forward this email to 5 of your worst enemies and leave a review! If you don't, your stalker will make contact with you within 24 hrs (with his ofuda and ceremonial dagger). Death may follow. 


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